In an effort to maintain a healthy, loving and long relationship with your nanny, its important to start the relationship off right and to care for your nanny throughout your relationship. Here are some tips!
1. Encourage your nanny to attend a nanny support group. Your nanny needs an outlet and it can really help them to process their experiences with other nannies who are having similar experiences.
2. Always have a daily check-in but certainly have a 6 month and annual check-in about overall job satisfaction and experiences.
3. Value your nanny: Remember important anniversary dates: birthdays and date of hire. Celebrate & acknowledge these dates.
4. When you travel longer than a regular work week, utilize hotel sitters to give your nanny some respite.
5. When your nanny first shows up to your house for employment, welcome her into your family. Decorate her room, bake a cake, have a special dinner. Make sure the children are included!
6. Reward your nanny when they do something that stands out.
7. Treat your nanny as part of the co-parent team
8. Don’t assume, always inquire. Consult with professionals when issues arise. Don’t jump to conclusions!
9. Offer Benefits such as – medical/dental, cell phone, occasional paid day off. Plan for an annual raise and holiday bonus.
10. Use language that empowers and educates your nanny – avoid language that is shaming or judgmental.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Top 10 Ways to Care for your Nanny
Monday, August 4, 2008
Nanny Says: "I'm your Mommy"
"My nanny told my son, "Scott, you have to listen to me, I am your mommy." is this ever okay to do? when I told her that it was not okay, she got very defensive, told me that she needed to be like that with the kids and that I am at work and she is with them more than me. She did not understand that it was simply the words that I did not like. Also, then she changed her stance and said that she did not say that, she said nanny. i feel like it is obvious that i should fire her but i worry about the effect on my kids. She has only been with us for 4 months. any advice?"
Hello,
Your nanny is absolutely in the wrong here. Her stance and approach is devisive and manipulative and if it continues may harm and confuse your children. Parent & nanny should be working together as a parenting team. It also sounds, at least based on your e-mail she wasn't able to integrate the feedback and concern. Was this due to a language issue between the two of you? Was she scared of you? Sometimes under stress individuals lie and muddle their words.
Now, let's get down to it. You have a couple options here: make it work or plan an appropriate ending. A lot of this depends on the age of the children and your nanny's ego strength. First things first, if you think you can salvage this and she is able to learn from this, then sit down and have a discussion clarifying what is ok and what is not ok. This is not a negotiation- you are the employer stating what you expect.
If she is unable to accept this, then you move to planning an ending. You may also choose to skip right to the ending and not even have a discussion. The best thing to do is have a planned ending. You should speak with the nanny and let her know of your concerns and that you have made a decision that this relationship isn't working out the way you had expected. Think, do you want her to stay for a couple of weeks or a couple of days or a couple of hours?
Plan ahead! Speak with her at the beginning of the work day so that if she just wants to leave the children are present and you are present to manage the situation. Be prepared to stay home that day if necessary. When speaking with her just stick with the facts - make statements that are free from emotion and judgement. If she is able to stay for a few days, or weeks and you feel safe with this and are not worried about her saying or doing harmful things to the children plan a good-bye. Inform the children, decide what you will tell the children. Have a good-bye "party" have the children draw pictures, take a picture of the children with their nanny and give a copy of the pic to the nanny and frame one for each child- nannys are a part of your childs story and children like to hear about who took care of them. Talk about favorite memories, events,etc. Answer the children's questions about where the nanny is going, or why the nanny is going in the least angry and judgemental way possible. They need to understand that they didn't do anything wrong and this is part of a natural transition, a change.
Now, if there is to be an ending, you will need to consider if you will pay severence, if you will write a letter of reference, etc.
Best of luck, please let me know if you have any further questions!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Nanny Cams
As a parent, especially a new parent, you may be concerned about leaving your child with a caregiver other than yourself. As a result of these concerns, you may think about using a nanny cam. This is a delicate issue that should be handled in a sensitive manner. There are not only legal issues to consider but also the impact on your relationship with your nanny. Below are some of the details of the California law. In addition to the laws, you may want to think about how this may affect your relationship with your nanny. Trust is very important in this unique relationship and needs to be nurtured. If you are to go with a nanny cam, you should discuss this with your interview candidates prior to hiring (in the interview) and once hired, have the nanny sign a document stating that they are aware of the "hidden camera." This way you are hiring someone who you know is comfortable with this practice.
The short answer is it is legal to use a hidden camera in all 50 states, however it is illegal to record someone’s speech in 15 states (including California) without their consent. California Video recording of "confidential communications" is prohibited without consent.
The laws of 13 states expressly prohibit the unauthorized installation or use of cameras in private places. In California, installation or use of any device for photographing, observing or overhearing events or sounds in a private place without the permission of the people photographed or observed is against the law. A private place is one where a person may reasonably expect to be safe from unauthorized surveillance.
Consider that studies and polls show that many care providers are not necessarily against video taping of child-provider interaction, it's just that they want to know about it. It seems to be a matter of trust and feeling of deception. Some parents handle the situation by telling a potential care provider upfront that a nanny cam will be used so that they can feel comfortable and confident about their child's care. It's then up to the nanny to accept or decline the position with a family who uses a nanny cam.
Something else you may want to look into is www.howsmynanny.com. A site where you can sign up for a license plate for your stroller so that if someone sees something while your nanny is out and about that is either favorable or unfavorable, it can be reported using the stroller plate, you then receive an e-mail immediately with the posted report! These “license plates” may also be used in such a way that people may report loving, wonderful interactions between your nanny and child, and you may use these reports as reasons to provide your nanny with an incentive or bonus.
www.TheNannyDoctor.com
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The Nanny Doctor's BETTER.TV interview!
I'm very excited to share the first of two Better TV interviews with you. Follow the link to the video!
Better.TV
And here is the rest of it.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The Nanny Doctor's NYC Diaries
So, I was in NYC last week and got to meet a lot of great people and do a little television in the process! I arrived late Tuesday night and had dinner with friends at a great little yummy restaurant called Otto they have great wine and pizza! The weather was surprising! I was hoping and wishing for some rain (a southern californian gal needs it!) and the weather was similar to L.A.'s current weather - 60 degrees! The next day, I worked a bit and also met with Denyse Kapelus from Professional Nannies. Denyse is fabulous! She is so passionate about helping families find the right nanny for their family. She is very inspirational and a true leader in this process! On Thursday morning, I showed up at the Better.TV studios - affiliated with Better Homes and Gardens and Parents Magazines for my television interviews.
If you do not get this station in your city, you can check out The Nanny Doctor interview online on Thursday, January 17th on www.Better.TV I will be featured on Better.Tv and Parents.Tv, speaking about Finding and Maintaining the Right Nanny for Your Family! It was brief but nice! After that meeting, I quickly scurried over to meet with Wendy Sachs from The Philadelphia Nanny Network We met up in this great little cafe with gorgeous desserts! Wendy has been in this business for a long time and was the president of the INA for years! I also met with various mommy websites, one of which was www.momcentral.com. I met with Karen Knapstein who works with their founder Stacy DeBroff - mom extraordinaire! We are planning to collaborate with each other in the future! On my last day in New York it was raining and thundering and lightning! I loved it! But then I had to come home...but it was a great trip all in all and I look forward to my next trip!
International Nanny Association - INA Vision Newsletter, Winter 2007
Click on the image to read my article from the International Nanny Association's winter 2007 newsletter. I will also be speaking at the INA's annual conference in May. For more information about the INA, please visit http://www.nanny.org/.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
The Nanny Doctor in New York
I will be visiting New York beginning Tuesday, January 8. If you are in the Manhattan area and would like to schedule a meeting, send an e-mail to info@thenannydoctor.com.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Monday, December 24, 2007
Your Nanny and Their Holiday Bonus
Do you value your nanny and all that they do for you and your family throughout the year? Thinking about that holiday bonus but don’t know exactly how much? Or perhaps you don’t want to give cash and you want to give a gift?
There are truly no standards when it comes to giving your nanny a holiday bonus. In fact, there is quite a range when it comes to families rewarding their nanny for their hard work and dedication over the past year. I have seen everything from restaurant gift cards to 2 week all inclusive paid holiday vacations to the Caribbean for the nanny and her family with use of the family’s private jet and crew! Just like many other aspects of your relationship with your nanny, you need to find what fits for your family, both financially and in a practical sense. Traditionally, the year-end bonus is a cash bonus equivalent to two weeks pay. Some families may opt for a full month’s salary for a holiday bonus. This option is usually reserved for nannies who have been in your employ for at least 2-5 years. Ultimately it is up to you to determine what you are most comfortable giving as a bonus.
Our nanny’s annual hire date is in December, do we need to give them an annual raise and a bonus?
Well, as always a bonus is up to your discretion, however, it is customary to give a holiday bonus of some kind. That said, the annual raise and the holiday bonus should be two separate issues and one should not be substituted for the other.
What do I do if we just hired our new nanny a month ago?
In these cases, I have commonly seen families pay their new nannies for 1 days pay for each month that they have been employed. For example, if your nanny starts at the beginning of November, you would provide him/her with a bonus equivalent to two days pay.
Should my children give our nanny a gift?
Yes. Not only do you model the spirit of giving for your child, but you allow your child to think about how much they value their nanny. This gift should be what the child wants to give the nanny. If they are too young, you may want to provide a framed photo of the nanny with your child, or if they are old enough, your child may want to create a picture. Regardless, it should be meaningful and unique to your child and nanny. Making this gift personalized and special will improve the quality of your relationship with your nanny. They will feel more connected to your family and this will trickle down to feeling more connected to your child.
What if we have had difficulty with our nanny recently? Do we still need to giver her a bonus?
Well, yes and no, it depends on your situation. When thinking about the holiday bonus, you want to review the entire year with your nanny, and become aware of a “recency effect” - where you decide on a bonus based on recent job performance. Also, I would urge you if you had not done so to take this time to review his/her performance and really gather an understanding of what their perception of their job performance has been. This models good communication and also helps refocus both you and your nanny for the New Year!
This year, finances are a little tough. What can we do if we do not want to offend our nanny and want to show her we value her, but we can’t afford to pay 2 weeks salary as a bonus?
Gifts such as restaurant gift cards allow your nanny to spend a nice meal with her family. Some families opt to either pay for or at least subsidize their nannies plane ticket back to their country of origin to see their family. Nannies just like moms like to be pampered and a spa gift card can be just what the doctor ordered. To make a spa gift card go even further, in addition to giving the gift card, you can allow them to go on a day they would normally be working for you. In the case, that you can not afford to pay a bonus or give a gift, you may always give them paid days off during this time.
Preventing Potential Disaster: Collaborating with Your Nanny Agency
Armed with your family’s needs list and job description it’s time to approach your nanny agency. There are many benefits of utilizing an agency to find your family’s new nanny.
First and foremost, an agency, especially one that is a member of an industry association such as the International Nanny Association, is made up of professionals well-versed in this process. This piece in and in itself is invaluable. Often nanny agencies have been started by former nannies who know the industry inside and out. Hiring a nanny agency saves you significant time and effort by prescreening applicants. They meet with prospective applicants in person, review resumes, help the nanny narrow down what they need and want, all in the best interest of helping you to find the right match! They complete background checks, gather pertinent information such as driving records, TB test results, and reference checks. They can also provide you with tax and payroll information as well as resources to provide ongoing support once you have found the right nanny.
The prescreening process also means you won’t be inundated with resumes. A good nanny agency only sends you the most appropriate applicants for your family, not a copy of every resume they receive. Once you receive resumes of potential applicants from the agency, you will spend some time reviewing those resumes to decide whom you think is appropriate for your family to interview. Your nanny agency will be available during this time to discuss the details of these potential applicants as well.
The interview process is one that can bring up a lot of feelings. As a parent you want so much to find the right nanny for your child, however, these feelings, if not identified and addressed, could inhibit you from finding the right person. You may be feeling fearful about having someone else care for your newborn, or you may be overwhelmed at the thought of using alternative resources to help you find your nanny. Due to your family’s schedule, you may feel pressed to go with the first applicant you interview. Or your family may still be recovering from the departure of your last nanny. These are all common experiences that if not properly addressed, may effect your ability to find the right nanny for your family.
As The Nanny Doctor – both a licensed clinical psychologist and former nanny of 10 years – I cannot stress enough the importance of developing your family’s needs list and job description. These two documents will guide both you and your nanny agency through the interview process. Your agency will be better equipped to identify potential applicants, and you will be much more aware of what your family needs.
After you narrow down the potential applicants, your nanny agency will take steps to set up interviews for you with the applicants in your home. It is incredibly important that you prepare for these interviews. I know it’s tough when you have a baby to feed and kindergartner to drop off and a house to run, but the time spent preparing for the interview can be priceless. That time spent screening out potential problematic applicants will save you time down the road. If you can, find time at night after the children are in bed to review your interview questions. If you don’t have time, I recommend you seek out help from a professional who is knowledgeable of this step. Failing to ask the right interview questions could result in a failed match. All to often I see families who become engaged in conflict with their nanny over an issue that could have easily been avoided if only it had been asked about during the interview.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Welcome!
Hello and welcome to The Nanny Doctor Blog! As a clinical psychologist and former nanny of 10 years, I have brought my experiences together to consult from an Attachment theory based perspective for families and nannies across the country. In the spirit of Attachment Theory, I seek to promote positive relationships between families and their nannies that create strong, healthy, secure emotional bonds between children and their caregivers that will nurture future meaningful relationships.
As a past nanny, I have experience working in a variety of different types of households with a variety of different types of families. As a result of my professional training and nanny experience, I recognize that every family is different and has its own unique needs. As a nanny, I worked with families of all different backgrounds. I worked in small households as well as fully-staffed estates. I worked as both a live-in nanny and as a live-out nanny. I worked for families as a weekday nanny as well as the sole weekend nanny. I traveled with families domestically and abroad. I have nannied for families with infants, toddlers, elementary age, middle school age, and teens. I know what it is like to be a nanny.
Over the years, I saw a need for families and nannies to have a way to communicate their needs to each other in the best interest of their child. Unfortunately all too often nannies are fired as a result of a conflict between the parent and the nanny prior to any attempt at a conflict resolution. The result? The child wakes up the next day and a significant attachment figure in their lives has disappeared. For children, the nanny was a person who maintained their physical and emotional safety on a daily basis. When it becomes clear that that person can just disappear, children may be more cautious to develop a bond in the future, which may contribute to future failures. A loss of or a change in caregivers can be a significant stressor on a child. Furthermore, there is evidence that our early attachment styles especially the first three years of our lives remain steady over time and tend to be replicated in our relationships throughout childhood and then in our friendships and romantic relationships as adults.
Now, here in this blog, I am prepared to discuss topics related to your family's needs and respond to your queries in an effort to help you maintain and nurture your family's relationship with your nanny. I encourage you to post comments or any questions you may have for The Nanny Doctor.
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